Does your husband really listen to you?

[Sage]

Today, I told my husband that I thought I might need to talk to a grief counselor because it has been really hard for me since my Dad passed. Instead of listening to the problem --- my husband started talking about how he thought it would be good for me to get out of the house and get a Brick & Mortar job. He so did not hear what I was saying.

 

[sandooch]

I'm sorry to hear of your beloved father passing away, Sage. I'm also sorry to hear that your husband isn't being more supportive in your time of need. Men sometimes think they have the only and best solution. I think going to a grief counselor would be a great idea. My mom and dad are getting up there in age, and I know when the time comes that they leave this earth, I would not be opposed to seeking counseling as well. Good luck to you! (((HUGS)))

 

[claudine]

I think that your husband was trying to help you, but he didn't know how. I've observed that for men to help means to find a solution, find it immediately. Women prefer to be able just to talk about the problem and share the pain. Men prefer to act. They're just so different. I hope you'll feel better soon!

 

[gina121]

I agree with claudine. Men process their emotions quite differently and have more practical sounding solutions to get over grief and emotional pain. I guess he was just being resourceful. If he didn't listen to you the first time, the second or third time will probably get the message through I'd go ahead and get the counseling, and if I felt like, I might share the experience with him later when he was in a more accepting frame of mind.

 

[Beth23]

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my father in an accident 2 years ago and I know how hard it is. Men have a different way of dealing with grief and emotions. They tend to avoid it and your husband is listening he is just suggesting what he would do if he felt like you do. Not listening and not understanding are to different things. Him not understanding doesn't mean he doesn't care though.

If you feel counseling will help you deal with your grief then by all means go. I don't know how long it has been for you since his passing but I can tell you from experience that once through the stages of grieving it does get better. You have to go through those stages though. For me it was numbness, fear, sadness, anger and finally acceptance.

Beth

 

[classicnyer]

Condolences for your loss.

I agree with claudine. Men process their emotions quite differently and have more practical sounding solutions to get over grief and emotional pain. I guess he was just being resourceful. If he didn't listen to you the first time, the second or third time will probably get the message through I'd go ahead and get the counseling, and if I felt like, I might share the experience with him later when he was in a more accepting frame of mind.

It's not likely that it will get through to him the second time. Men are like that, and it's not their fault. If it were him, doing something distracting, like getting a "brick and mortar" job, would take his mind off it, and he assumes that it will be helpful for you as well. Somebody would have to explain to him that women are not men.

I hope you do speak to a grief counselor, though. I think often we try to rely on our spouses to do the job of a professional, and that's not good for anyone involved.

 

[classicnyer]

And, to answer your question, no, my husband doesn't listen to me either, but my therapist does.

 

[aphil]

I agree that your husband thinks the solution to your grief is to get out of the house and get involved with a job and the social activity it provides. My husband always immediately tries to solve whatever I am expressing too, and I have to tell him, "I am not asking you to provide a solution". It is difficult for men to relate to our emotions. He is listening, but it is filtered by his perspective. Be patient with him and also give yourself time to grieve and move forward after your loss.

 

[AnonaMoss]

Today, I told my husband that I thought I might need to talk to a grief counselor because it has been really hard for me since my Dad passed. Instead of listening to the problem --- my husband started talking about how he thought it would be good for me to get out of the house and get a Brick & Mortar job. He so did not hear what I was saying.

Wow, he didn't even discuss the option of getting a counselor with you? He told you to get a job? I think that some people aren't very good with discussing difficult topics. I'm sure that your husband means well. I think that you should definitely see a counselor since you dont have a stronger support system.

 

[gar]

I actually think your husband is helping you. Forget about greifing and start something that will make you busy and go on with your life. Also tell the story of you father to your children..

 

[Basil Nut]

My husband usually listens to me, but when it comes down to suggesting solutions, his own wishes and desires come into play. He likes suggesting things that will benefit him. I don't know if this is a guy thing, or if it's just him.

 

[Sage]

Thanks, everyone. I've decided my husband is just NOT listening. Today, I was talking to him about my mother and he changed the conversation to my weight. Yes! I think I need to just quit telling him my problems.

 

[krisnaturalgal]

I am sorry to hear that your husband is not listening to you. Do you think he is doing this on purpose or maybe just has trouble discussing things with you? For example, maybe it is hard for him to help you with your grief. It is quite insensitive for him to talk about your weight or to tell you to get a brick and mortar job when you are going through a hard time.

 

[dashboardc33]

While I think your husband was just trying to help and give you some suggestions, you may not feel that this would be the best way to cope with your father's death. People handle these situations all differently, which makes each and every one of us unique. If you feel that a counselor would help you- go for it! They will give you someone to talk to and will provide support when you need it most. Your husband may handle a death easier by keeping himself busy by working.

 

[HealthyS7]

Mine likes to zone out and only hears what he wants to hear. This is true for family dinner time and it bugs me to no end because he'd rather watch his cop shows than talk to his family. It is driving a wedge between him and his kids. I don't know what to do with him.

 

[classicnyer]

I told my husband about this thread last night. His response was "well maybe she should go out and do something to take her mind off it." ::shaking my head::

 

[chabella]

Men think logical, women tend to think emotional. I have had this debate with my own husband before and I completely get it. I doubt it was intentional, if anything he was thinking the route of getting out of the house and working means being around more peers and those people you could bond with (and talk to for free).

 

[Jessi]

While I know it was upsetting to you and you have every reason to be upset by it, I agree with the others that your husband was probably trying to help you. He wasn't trying to be insensitive. He was just trying to help you find a solution that might get your mind off it or help you move on by distracting you. That's not how your mind works, but I doubt he was intentionally "not listening to you" this time.

 

[Melissast]

My husband dosen't listen either. he either gets really defensive, like I'm blameing him when I'mnot, or he tries to provide a quick solution when all I wanted to do was talk to him. I think its just how men are wired, and I wouldn't take it to personally. I'm sorry for your loss, and a grief consular sounds like a good way to work through that.

 

[marlinealcott]

Personally, I am pretty uncomfortable talking to people about death. Many times when the subject comes up I feel inclined to steer the conversation in a different direction as to not have to see someone else get upset, or get upset myself. It's possible that your hubby was feeling the rise in emotion during the conversation and attempted to come up with a proactive solution. It may not have been what you wanted to hear, but to him, you getting out of the house and getting a job may have been something he thought would cheer you up.

In my experience with my own partner, I've found that you have to make things very clear. Perhaps one mention of seeking counseling wasn't enough, and it was easy for your husband to just shrug it off in passing. I think you should sit him down and talk to him about this again. Tell him that you felt like he didn't really listen the first time, and that you were serious about getting some help for this. I bet if you do this in the right time/environment, he will listen.

I'm really sorry about you losing your dad. *hug*